The "twelve-week rule" - an unwritten yet conventional guideline - advises parents not to publicly share their pregnancy news before reaching the 12-week mark. This suggestion is rooted in concerns about pregnancy loss or complications. While the intention may be well-meaning, it's essential to examine the underlying message this rule sends and consider who it truly protects. How many women are hearing something along the lines of, “I’m here to support you and celebrate your baby in the good times, but if something bad happens… you’re on your own”. This blog post delves into the concept of the "twelve-week rule," its implications, and the importance of empowering parents to decide when and how they share their pregnancy news.
Personal Choice and Empowerment
First and foremost, let's emphasize that deciding when and with whom to share the news of a pregnancy is a deeply personal choice. Every woman, and let's not forget the father-to-be, should have the autonomy to decide when and how they share this significant aspect of their lives. Whether they choose to share the news immediately or wait, their decisions should be respected and supported. This choice is fundamental in ensuring that expectant parents feel surrounded by love and encouragement throughout their pregnancy journey, regardless of the outcome. If they choose that it is best for them to hold off on sharing, no matter their reasons, that is ok. If they choose to share their news right away, that is ok too. It is my hope that they feel supported in their excitement, and everything in-between, even if it is for a brief moment, by family, friends, and professional individuals.
The Reality of Pregnancy Loss
It is estimated that 10 to 25 per cent of recognized pregnancies and 50 to 75 per cent of chemical pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Let’s Talk About the Role of Healthcare Providers
I’ll be the first to admit that in the past, prior to my own loss, trainings on perinatal mental health, and privilege to learn from many women themselves, I’ve thought things like… “oh goodness she announced that early… that’s risky.” So, if you have thought this, or recommended this rule to someone, this is not to shame you. This is a conversation to help us to think critically about this idea that has become such a social norm. Now, I cringe at the idea of directing women on when and if they should share about their pregnancy.
Healthcare providers play a crucial role in informing expectant parents about the facts, statistics, and important milestones related to their pregnancy. Knowledge is power, and it guides individuals and families in making informed decisions. But what happens when their well-meaning advice actually increases anxiety and feelings of isolation? What if the idea of the “12-week rule” is leading to secrecy and shame for women and families who experience a loss, because after all, it was before 12 weeks, so…it’s less of a loss, right? Heck no! It’s a very real and complex loss, often followed by very real grief that is lifelong.
I tend to agree with the wise guidance offered by Dr. Zucker, who emphasized the importance for healthcare providers to set boundaries. Their role should be limited to providing information about risks and choices, rather than dictating when it's "safe" or "appropriate" to share the news of their pregnancy, to share their joy, their fears, their baby.
The Impact of Grief and Loss
Everyone's experience with grief and loss is unique. Some individuals may find solace in sharing their experiences and seeking support from loved ones and professionals, while others may prefer a more private approach.
But for me, I wish I didn’t wait. If I could go back. If I could I would take every opportunity to share about and celebrate my baby. I would gather up every second of untainted joy and happiness. I would savor every ounce of my innocence surrounding my pregnancy and my baby, and I would shout it from the rooftop. Why? Because I didn’t get the opportunity to, that was taken from me, before I got the chance to.
It's crucial that we, as professionals, family members, and friends, create a safe space for grief and loss to be part of maternity conversations. Normalizing this aspect of pregnancy, which is both normal and devastating, is essential for supporting those who go through it.
Breaking the Silence
I have found that many well-meaning individuals fear bringing up the loss or the baby out of fear of upsetting momma. It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently, and it’s ok if she doesn’t want to talk about it. But what I can share with certainty is that providing the option to talk about her experience and her baby is so important. Can I tell you a little bit about my experience to help break this fear?
My Personal Struggle with Silence
I couldn’t stop talking about it…about the miscarriage. I couldn’t stop thinking about who my baby would have been. Should have been. I found myself searching for every and any point in a conversation where I could talk about my baby and it not be “weird” …although I can think of a couple of times I for sure made it weird… sorry not sorry! This wasn’t because I wanted pity. It was because I was carrying around this overwhelming guilt when I wasn’t talking about it. In the thick of grief, I felt like not talking about my baby was disrespecting him or her. I felt like I had to let everyone know about him or her because I wouldn’t get the opportunity to do a baby announcement, I wouldn’t get to do a gender reveal, I wouldn’t get to share pictures about the birth of my beautiful baby. So, how else was I supposed to let people know about his or her? How else to was I supposed to celebrate their very short life that changed my life forever? All I had known is that my world had completely stopped…and everyone and everything else kept moving forward…without my baby…the reality of that felt like a repetitive punch to the gut.
Sharing one's experiences of pregnancy loss can be both healing and liberating. It's important for individuals to have safe and supportive people and places where they can express their feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment or awkwardness. Breaking the silence and allowing people to talk about their experiences helps them navigate the overwhelming emotions that come with loss.
Supporting Friends and Family
What if something bad does happen? What do I say? First, I want you to know that it’s ok if you’re uncomfortable. I can promise you; she is uncomfortable too and she is likely anxious about making you uncomfortable. You don't need to have the "perfect words" because they don't exist. What matters most is showing that you care and that they are not alone. Here are some tips for supporting friends and family:
Be present and listen
Allow them time and space to share their story, over and over, if they want to
Gently remind them that it’s ok to ask for help
It’s ok for you to have boundaries too. If what they are sharing is becoming too much for you to carry, gently guiding them to individuals who can help is an option
Offer assistance with household chores or other responsibilities.
Don’t force them to talk, just them know you are there if they choose to
Allow them space and time. If they don’t feel up to having company, leave some food or a comforting care package at their door.
Avoid statements that start with “at least”. For example: “at least you know you can get pregnant”, “at least it was early”, “at least you have other children”.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, the "twelve-week rule" has become a social norm, but it's essential to challenge this idea and give expectant parents the agency to decide when and how they share their pregnancy news. Pregnancy loss is a profound experience that deserves understanding and empathy. By creating a culture that supports parents through every stage of their pregnancy journey, we can send a powerful message: "No matter when you decide to share your news, we are here. We are here to celebrate your baby, support you, and be there for you if something goes wrong." Let's question the twelve-week rule and work together to provide unwavering support for parents, no matter the outcome of their pregnancy.
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