You just got the “all-clear” for some hanky-panky from your doctor... Yes, you! The one who just gave birth about six weeks ago. Are you excited and ready to rush into the bedroom like it’s a Black Friday sale, or are you thinking your doctor is insane to even mention your name and sex in the same sentence at this point? Or maybe you're wondering if something is wrong with you because even thinking about sex makes you want to cry?
Let’s Talk About Sex (After Baby)...
At your four to six-week checkup, your doctor will ensure that your body is ready for penetrative sex without the risk of complications and will likely discuss your contraceptive options.
For some, this wait feels like an eternity, and they are eager to hop into the sheets. But for many others, the idea of sex is the furthest thing from their minds. Navigating new roles, settling into routines, and functioning on little sleep makes even a shower, let alone sex, seem like a monumental task.
Let's be clear: Just because your body might be physically ready for sex doesn’t mean you are emotionally or mentally prepared.
It’s okay if it takes awhile to feel like your old self and rekindle your sex life after having a baby. For many, sex is not a priority in the first few weeks or even the first few months after giving birth. One study found that over half of couples waited until eight weeks after birth to begin having sex again, while more than three-quarters waited about 12 weeks (McDonald and Brown, 2013). Additionally, many couples report that their sex life didn't return to a "new normal" until about one year after birth.
Understanding Changes in Your Body
Sex after childbirth might feel different. Many women report that they don’t initially find sex enjoyable. After pregnancy, your body takes time to adjust to hormonal changes. Low levels of estrogen after birth and while breastfeeding may contribute to different sex-related discomforts. The good news is that these discomforts are usually temporary. As your body heals, you will begin to feel more like yourself. If you experience ongoing painful sex or bleeding, it's important to reach out to your healthcare provider.
Building Intimacy Without Sex
If you're looking to build intimacy with your partner but are not yet ready to have sex, there are several ways to maintain your connection in the meantime:
Spend 15 minutes talking: Use the time when the baby is asleep to really listen to each other.
Share household tasks: Working together can strengthen your bond.
Spend quality time together: Go for walks, have dinner together, or hire a sitter for the night to prioritize date nights.
Show physical affection: Kiss, cuddle, hold hands, and flirt. These small gestures can help lead to sex when you and your partner are ready.
Pray together: It is an incrediable act of intimacy.
Tips for Returning to Sex After Baby
Feel Ready: Both partners should feel ready and willing to return to sexual activity. If you’re not ready, communicate with your partner.
Touch: Focus on little touches that feel good—kisses, cuddles, massages. Simple touches can convey affection and reduce first-time jitters. Skin-to-skin contact can also be very comforting, so just get nakey and hold one another.
Communicate: Discuss what you are ready for and what you are not. Share what feels good and what doesn’t, and talk about any fears you may have.
Set the Mood: Light candles, send flirty texts, pour a glass of wine, or give each other massages. Do what has worked in the past to create a romantic atmosphere.
Lubricate: Hormonal changes can affect natural lubrication. Using lubricant can reduce pain and increase pleasure.
Plan Accordingly: Have you ever sent a flirty text in the morning but by the evening all you can think about is sleep? If you're exhausted by the end of the day, consider setting time during the day to be intimate when you have more energy.
Body Image: Reflect on how you feel about your body. Think about what makes you feel sexy and confident.
Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy: Consider pelvic floor physical therapy to address specific concerns and aid in proper healing.
Remember, every woman and couple is different. Our bodies and minds heal at different paces, and that’s okay! Sweet momma, you’ve got this. Take your time and be kind to yourself as you navigate this new chapter.
References
McDonald EA, Brown SJ. (2013) Does method of birth make a difference to when women resume sex after childbirth? BJOG. 120(7):823-830. Available from: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1471-0528.12166/full [Accessed 9th December 2021].
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